Dear Teacher
TLDR: Exploring co-regulation and supporting emotional development during undesired behaviours while reflecting on our role as educators/parents for breaking generational trauma and creating a safe space for expressing emotions.
Dear Teacher,
I was playing so nice and then BAM! This urge overwhelmed my body and I pushed. I pushed.. You're mad. "Don't do that!" I didn't mean to, I.....
Oh no.. it's coming back!! No! No! No! Stop that! Don't do that! What's wrong with me?! Stop it brain! I said no!
Ughhh! BAM! Oh no.... I pushed again and now you're really mad.
I'm mad too! Help! What do I do with this feeling?! Ahhh, the urge is getting stronger! BAM!! You gasp. In shock. Oh no....
I know I hit you. I don't know what came over me. The feeling was so big. So scary. So impulsive. I....
Wait... where are you going? Please don't leave me... I don't know how to....... help me.... I'm sorry...
Maybe if I.... smile? You always smile back at me... oh, you look more mad... I don't know what to do.. I don't know how to feel.... please come back...
Sincerely,
Child
Emotions are hard. Aggressive behaviours are hard. They trigger us. They can anger us. What do we do when a child hits us? How should we react? How do we know we are supporting their emotional development?
Let's jump back to the past for a second.
"Children are to be seen and not heard."
"Put your tears away."
"You're too old to be crying."
"What's wrong with you?!"
"Wait till your father gets home."
"Get busy!"
Did you hear any of these phrases as a child? If you cried, what was the reaction?
"You're so sensitive."
"Get over it."
"I'll give you something to cry about."
Now let me ask you this: Did you feel heard as a child? How is your ability to express your emotions as an adult? Anyone else not able to cry? Bottle up your emotions and then one day explode over something small?
It's time to break down those cycles and rewrite the story. Let's explore generational trauma and emotional development together.
So, what do you do when a child hits you? Here's what I've learned as a teacher and a mother when it comes to breaking generational trauma and co-regulating to support the emotional development of a child.
Co-regulation.
What does that even mean? Behaviour management starts with YOU. Yes, you. If you are not regulated, you cannot help a child regulate. Your reaction may be causing the behaviour to get worse. I'm not saying what you're doing is wrong, I'm saying you can do even better.
Did I strike a nerve? Stay with me. Keep reading.
You just got hit, maybe for the first time. What do you do?
Take a breath. Teach the child to take a breath. Teach them when they are calm, NOT during a tantrum. Their amygdala is fired up, they don't hear a word you're saying. So teach them how to breathe when they are calm. Take a breath together. Calm your bodies.
Calm before reaction. This will be your biggest challenge. Try not to react out of emotion. This is how you break generational trauma. This is how you teach emotional regulation. You're the model. Be the calm.
I'm going to sound like a broken record for a minute, but bear with me. Label the emotion. Set a boundary. Be empathetic.
And that one is key. Come from a place of empathy. The child isn't giving you a hard time, they're having a hard time. Step back and put yourself in the child's shoes. Big emotions are hard. They're scary. They can be isolating.
Reassure the child you are there for them. They are safe. "I'm not afraid of your big feelings. Sometimes I have big feelings too".
Stay with the child. Of course, this can be challenging. I know we are taught to go to the injured child first. If you have a partner, work together to assist the injured child, but please stay with the child having big feelings.
Find a way to say "Yes". Think about your CDC ratio (Correcting, Directing, Connecting). If you find a way to say yes, you can move more towards connecting instead of correcting all day. Jumping off furniture? Add a trampoline. Make it appropriate. "You cannot hit my body, but you can hit this drum or pillow".
Let them let it out. Think about it this way. A child feels angry and you tell them "No hitting". Okay, but they're still angry. So where does the anger go?
Find a way to say "Yes" and let them release that feeling, release that anger. Stop the generational trauma that taught us to suppress our own emotions.
So the next time a child hits you or another child, remember: Breathe. Stay with them and let them let it out, in a healthier way. Show them you aren't afraid of their big feelings. Teach them what to do instead. Connect. You're not going to be perfect. But try. Co-regulate. Build that emotional development and break generational trauma. Rewrite the story.
FAQs
Summarize Co-Regulation For Me?
Steps For Co-Regulating:
Breathe: Take a big breath yourself. You can do this dramatically in front of the child and they may or may not join in. Remember to work on this skill again when they are calm.
Use a calm, slow voice.
Labelling Emotions: Use different words to build their emotional vocabulary.
Set a boundary: Simple and consistent.
Reassure them the emotion is okay.
Should the child who hurt say "sorry"?
Requiring a child to say "sorry" takes the meaning out of the word. So what can we do instead? Model it! Walk up to the child or staff who was injured and say, "I'm sorry they hurt you, are you okay?" It will take time and maybe you won't see the progress yourself. But I promise you, you are teaching them how to show empathy. Eventually, they will understand what "sorry" means.
What if I am alone in ratio?
Acknowledge the injured child as mentioned above where you show empathy, but stay near the child who has injured. Coming from an empathetic lens means you are recognizing the child who injured needs help navigating their big feelings too.
Can you provide a Sample Script of what to say?
To Injured Child: "I'm sorry they hurt you. Are you okay?"
To the Child Who Injured:
"I can see that you're upset/sad/mad/frustrated/overwhelmed. You cannot hit my body, but you can hit this pillow or drum." *pause*
"It's okay to let it out, I am here for you and you are safe." *pause*
"Sometimes I get angry too. Do you know what helps me when I am upset? A hug helps me." *pause*
"Would you like a hug?"
Respect if they say no, but reassure them by restating: "That's okay, I am here for you and I'm here to help." Stay close by until they have calmed down. You can even say, "I'm not afraid of your big feelings".
Flip The Script: Why is it important to use positive language when addressing a behaviour?
Attention is attention. Children this young cannot yet differentiate between negative and positive attention. Flipping what you say to avoid saying “no” teaches them what to do instead of the undesired behaviour. Verbally acknowledge when you see them doing something good, it will give them the attention they are seeking from you. They will feel heard and seen.
"Gentle hands. I know that you can be kind. Show me gentle hands".
What you say to a child becomes their inner voice.
The behaviour got worse. This isn't working!
If you see the behaviour get worse, it IS working. The behaviour will escalade briefly before getting better because the child is trying a method that previously worked. Keep going.
It's been months and I haven't seen progress!
This is the hard part. You might not. But you are making progress!! It's just not visible YET. And that's challenging and defeating... Emotional development takes YEARS to progress. You are planting seeds that will break down GENERATIONS of emotional dysregulation.
Gentle Parenting doesn't work!
What you're seeing isn't Gentle Parenting. What you are seeing is called Passive Parenting. Those iPad kids. That's not Gentle Parenting. Gentle Parenting involves co-regulating, setting boundaries, and following through with an empathetic lens.
Do you have any other tips for managing behaviours?
Be consistent in your responses.
Be patient with yourself. We are human, give yourself grace but recognize when you can do better with how you respond to a behaviour.
Every behaviour has a reason. Even if that reason isn't clear to you. It has a purpose for the child. Attention. Personal space. Overstimulated. Be a detective and figure out the reason to better be able to watch for escalation and prevent the behaviour before it happens.
Behaviour management is complex. Supporting the emotional development is one piece of the puzzle. But it is a critical, life-changing piece that shapes the child's ability to express their emotions. You can't control the child's behaviour, but you can control your own! Be the difference. Make a change. Co-regulate.
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