This is our HOW
TLDR: Reigniting a previous passion for writing as I thought dump about my emotional journey during the first 2 weeks of life as a first time mama to my baby boy. It's okay to not be okay, this is hard. Lean on those around you. It's not a sign of weakness. It takes an incredible amount of courage to ask for help. I'd know.
This is our
HOW
One mama’s unfiltered post-partum journey…
When all you wanted to get done during the day was sterilize the new baby bottles because your milk came in and you're so excited that after struggling for what feels like an endless number of days with technique and positioning of breast feeding and the insane mom guilt that I thought I was feeding my boy but turns out I was a soother and the doubt... but now you just latched walking around without over-thinking it and omg it's becoming muscle memory, I CAN do this!!
Who said "the days are long but the years are short"?! I can't keep up with how fast the hours pass in a day! Fucking time blindness. How did 3 hours pass, all I did was feed my baby. Another day gone, wasted. Another day. Another day. What day is it? Thought bounce. Thought bounce. Stand up. Omg I have to pee. I need a routine. Interrupted. Routine?! Help! Lower your voice.. And one more thing! It'll be quick.. Eye roll. Thought bounce. Thought bounce. Wow leaky boobs are real. Unbrushed hair. Puffy eyes. Baggy clothes. I feel kind of gross. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be better.. tomorrow will be better? Oh boy, the house is a mess.
Who cares, my boy is finally gaining weight after day 6! He passed his birth weight! We did it Deanie boy and it's all thanks to daddy's hard work with researching techniques and then teaching me and supporting me as I cry uncontrollably at 3AM and I'm so tired... oh shoot I'm thought bouncing again and my ADHD brain lost focus and baby blues are really difficult but they're temporary. Post-partum anxiety?! Post-partum mania? Mania?! Tick tock. Tick tock. I'm cold. Tick tock.
Hormone's changing. Dopamine crash. Further... further... further......... Wow you're hyper! No this is me, the hidden me you've never seen. Tick tock.The unmasked, raw version of me that I hid from you. It's annoying.. okay, I'll mask again.. exhaustion.. You're not functioning. Strategy! Hyperfixation. Strategy! Help! I'm drowning.. It'll pass and it's okay to be not okay. What's wrong with me?! Focus mama, focus. Go shower! Dress up and feel human again. There's no time! Thought bounce, thought bounce, anxiety. JUST GO SHOWER! OKAY! I DID. Ahhh, that feels better, I feel good about myself again. I'm a hot mess, but we got this! Self-care! Fit into my old clothes again. You got this mama.
Remember to be patient with yourself, look at your little miracle baby. You love him more than you ever thought possible. Look I calmed down, progress. Thought bouncing. Baby blues. More baby blues. It's normal, it's okay. What was the last 2 days.... shhhh. Let it go. Calm voice. Day by day. I'm smiling.
Apparently I missed free-flow writing. An idea for an exciting project! Healing. Gaining a community of mama's and questions answered and a blossoming relationship with my sister! Projectile poop! Interrupted stories and POOP! Thought bounce. Laughter. POOP! Blast off! Inside jokes! Connection! Family! Theories and inspiration and metaphors and complicated and hyperfocus. But a new hobby and circle back and discussions and metaphors and interconnecting thoughts. Circle back. Thought bounce. You're repeating yourself! Shhh.... fuck it's gone. Strategy! Genius! Thankful! Verbal diarrhea and thought dumping and strategy! Wow this is good! Edit, edit, circle back. Add. Circle back. POOP! Focus! Shhh... time blindness and chaos but progress! Idea! Idea! Idea! Exponential growth! And digital products and books?! No! Project! An out of reach dream that now has a clear path to possibilities. A beautiful inspiration. "This is our HOW!" Oh, well would you look at that. We forgot to wash the bottles, and that's okay. Tick tock.
Self-Reflection - Interesting observation about how the style of my writing drastically changed as I circled back and added to this entry repeatedly throughout the second week post-partum: At times, you can visibly read that my mind was racing and my anxiety was intense. My writing lacks proper punctuation and feels chaotic vs. being more structured and short sentences.
Engagement: Did you find my first blog entry easy or difficult to follow? Could you relate to my experiences during the first two weeks post-partum? Have you been diagnosed or suspect you have ADHD and/or anxiety? Are you okay?
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With love,
Alysha
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